Deef 77ranko seems very sensitive to shaming and ridicule… though most crippling was analyzing her behavior and inner world…
Look at this distorted self-reflection from a recent blog post addon:
One another argument is Borderline people: they do this, they expect other people to conform to them and they put unreasonable standards of living upon others, that others are suppose to change themselves in order to suit them.
Also, it means I have ego size of the mountain, thinking other people are suppose to serve me and obey me and my wants and needs, this is the road to narcissism.
77ranko doesn’t see these traits in him??? OMG, talk about TOTAL lack of self-awareness..
On the other side:
If I shut up and self-censor myself other people will abuse me. Many people are not abusers. They are just clutzes as one famous psychologist called them. People are not evil, he said. People are not aware that they are parasiting over kind, nice, silent, quiet people. So the only way to stop it is to voice it out.
This is really really really socially oblivious… beyond lost… it’s not a black and white issue of expression and self-censorship. Most people have some sort of filter or self-editing mechanism, apparently this person might just have an on/off switch. That’s not gonna work in society, as to his equation that if i shut up, people will abuse me. That sounds silly, I’d guess he’s sending non-verbal vibes that’s triggering others, and he’s not responding in predictable and trust building ways. So it’s not just being silent, you have to respond in a certain way to build rapport, trust, interaction.
Getting abused is not because he’s silent… it’s cuz he’s pissing people off. Or that he’s drawn to and seeks out people who are abusive by nature… tsk tsk… or the way he talks is dumping projections onto others, that provokes aggressive responses… tsk tsk…
AT what point I should tell people how to be respectful if I have social anxiety and everything bothers me - and when I have trauma bonding and external reference locus of control - where I place my self worth in other people hands - therefore I will not know and I will not be able to define what I like, want, need and what is respectful to begin with.
Lol….. this is amazingly blind …. feels authentic to what a BPD’s inner world might be like.. highly emotionally sensitive like 3rd degree burn emotional skin…. everything bothers him…. cuz he’s over-reading and over-reacting to neutral signals…
where I place my self worth in other people hands
This is their weak spot! by merging with the other person, they’re helpless to their comments, shaming and approval. BUT they put on a good front… but it’s a major imposter… super poser.. super fake… beyond a fawn self.. it’s a total artifice that they put up in full on acting gear…. all you need to do is be neutral or sow a little bit of doubt and it starts crumbling and falling apart…
I’m reminded of RG’s Statue metaphor clip here:
3m19s
“It feels too much, but it is not, you are not used to it”
In my case, I noticed this “too much feeling” when I do stand up for myself is guilt. It is part of hypnosis, being conditioned in childhood to fawn and people please. Guilt kicks in and I feel bad about myself, and I go back to fawning in order to regulate my emotions by other people’s approval and validation - or them simply not being angry or criticizing.
This is a BPD that’s over-exposed in public, they’ll be on their best behavior and over-fawning…. public shaming is their gigantic weakness… where they crumble…. and are overly nice to get approval and validation… and avoid judgment..
“Assertive means being firm but polite, it can be in soft tone. Or in neutral tone. Compromising.”
In my case this was impossible because I did not know the concept of “external reference locus of control”, trauma bonding and external validation. Due to toxic shame, I felt inept and I see and observe other people as gods, automatically, without even thinking about it, I put myself in inferior position while other people whatever they say, act or do - or even I preemptively try to please them - because I put my self worth in other people.
He has absolutely no clue how to communicate with others. He doesn’t even see others… he sees them as projections of his super-ego… of his God.. of his mother… (My Other)… that’s the level of BPD total lack of self…
I see and observe other people as gods, automatically
So…. if this is true, how to reconcile his long comment thread of attacking me with absolute certainty and dumping sloppy shame all over the place…. well… all of that BS was just a total false front… on the fly BS and attempts at projective identification….
He was fawning on overdrive… trying to convince himself and me, that he’s NOT a weak overly fragile narcissist.. but with levels of blindness and lack of self that feels more like BPD blindness…
So…. if I psychoanalyze him and play a God role.. or father figure in the clouds judgment stance… he will buy into it inside, though on the outside he’ll act tough and aggressive… slinging shame relentlessly…. but it’s all an act.. it’s all fake.. it’s all a front…
because I put my self worth in other people.
That’s the flip side of shame.. by shaming others….he can’t use the shame to learn, grow and transform himself….
so he’s giving his self worth to others by shaming them…. it’s a fucked up way to get worth…. cuz the transaction guarantees rejection, abandonment, and forever repeat…
BUT a BPD is terrified to act out that shameful neediness…. so like a quiet BPD can get us to act out and feel their anger…. a regular BPD gets others to act out their internalized shame….
Codependents that are seeking completion… seeking closure.. seeking validation.. seeking to prove themselves, or disprove the BPD… is physically ACTING out and feeling the shame for the BPD…
That drive can motivate a codependent to grow…. lose 100 lbs… learn about cluster b abuse (me), get better at work, life, etc… (others)…. because we’re turning that shame shit into fertilizer and new growth…
But the BPD is in a stuck loop forever…. they’ve given away their shame, and therefore remain stupid and faking the rest of their pitiful lives….
Disown shame at your own peril…
3m01s
oh… just saw another amazing portion to include
There are people out there who can’t stand the truth, cognitive dissonance and
they will use their power to destroy other people when other people are honest to them.
OMG… he really doesn’t see this behavior in himself??? That is fucking amazing… beyond amazing….
any bit of truth or accurate reflection back.. and he gets taken over and goes on full attack, distract and shame back… but somehow he’s able to block self-awareness of this???
ohh… opps… they have no self… or their self is a giant void… so that’s why he’s able to stay oblivious to his own actions… freaking… totally amazing…