Continued analysis of a few more days of exercises:
Day 11 Exercise - Granting ourselves the permission to be happy
Make a mess, freestyle it, mindmaps, scrawling, listsā¦ whatever you want into the topic.
- What does happiness mean? List the words associated to this idea of āhappinessā
- Do I have the permission to do that?
Where do I and dont I permit myself to be happy (now weāve established and fleshed out what that means)
- Notice your somatic state and your emotions - be sensitive to any resistance you feel around the issue.
Notice if you hit an unconscious ROAD BLOCK internally.
- If you do feel a roadblock please make it clear what it is in your notes.
Option 1. if you do hit a roadblock, please continue to make notes around it for the next few days and see if you can āwiggle it freeā. Take your time with it.
Your objective is to become congruent and to grant yourself the permission to be happy.
Option 2. If you really cannot move it please seek the help of one of our coaches, Terry and Anna are available for one to one coaching or a counsellor.
https://www.visceralgravitas.com/d/55/100
Iām not the fondest of this happiness pointer, easily falls into toxic positivity, of which many codependents have been silenced and abused by others under the guise of happinessā¦
Also someone with a nervous system thatās fucked up and is on constant hyper-vigilanceā¦ happiness isnāt even on the tableā¦ I remember it took me many years to finally laugh at a comedy show or movie, that was a sign of progress, because trauma had redirected so much of my energy and nervous systemā¦
This whole framing of granting yourself permission, is kinda a mind fuckā¦. is happiness simply about permission? and who the fuck says itās due to oneself NOT giving yourself permission?? Then again, maybe RG has an mean inner parent that constantly punishes and blocks all signs of happiness??
The pointer of Congruency I like more, and is a bit more reasonableā¦
Option 2 - seek help from coaches?? Why is this exercise that important, to have suggestion for getting coached?
wtfā¦Iām a bit torn around happiness as a pointerā¦. Iām all for people celebrating their wins and expanding their perspective to see how their life might be pretty darn good, or doesnāt suck as bad as othersā¦ but if happiness means some delusional fantasy, or just bingeing desiresā¦. thatād be more counter productive or distracting..
Day 12 (Rest) Exercises
Rest and Digest: go over your notes, any questions or feedback you have share with the group.
break day
Day 13 Exercise: āPutting Myself Firstā
- Why is it absolutely necessary and for the highest good of all concerned for me to put myself first?
- List 5 Scenarios where it is absolutely necessary for you to put yourself first. (Identify the context.)
https://www.visceralgravitas.com/d/55/104
Okā¦ā¦ this is totally STUPID, because Iād argue that by default you put yourself FIRST Now the highest good part is non-sense, or an argument without reasoningā¦.. But, okay.. Iāll try to work with itā¦ codependents often self-sacrifice and people please others first, with a covert contract that others will reciprocate backā¦. but then feel resentful because others donātā¦
So, theoretically, if a codependent stopped giving first, then no problem of not getting stuff back and resentmentā¦ BUT it brings up the issue of what emotional needs is met by giving first.. or over givingā¦ and thatās the territory of conflict aversionā¦. so, putting yourself first, would create over-exposure and discomfort for a codependentā¦
And putting yourself first is default state when youāre in survival.. even a codependent who sacrifices themselves, is doing it for physical safety, avoiding punishment, or avoiding oneās own emotional flashbacksā¦.. one has to become more emotionally stable, to be genuinely self-lessā¦ or one can be in a flow state or acting out, and do something that you really value deep down, and that sometimes is self sacrificingā¦ but thatās still in service to oneās deep core values and deeper selfā¦ so even when you sacrifice, itās still for your selfā¦.
Day 14 Exercise āAddicted to Betrayal?ā
- Identify the areas of your life where you could potentially be addicted to betrayal
- Write out in note form: you are looking for places where you have repeatedly let someone or something betray you again and again despite knowing it is not good for you and they are likely to behave in the future as they have in the past.
- Dont try to change anything, just notice it and share with the group if you feel comfortable doing so.
https://www.visceralgravitas.com/d/55/113
I agree that Betrayal is a common wound for codependents but maybe also the general populationā¦..
Adding the addiction part is interestingā¦. I suppose I could go with that, as a reframe of repetition compulsionā¦
re #2 - interesting language here: places where you have repeatedly let someone ā¦ betray you again and again
trying to stir up resentment or shame here? at least #3 is just to notice it, instead of over-writing it with a affirmation or story tweakā¦.
Ohā¦ Iād argue that despite knowing it is not good for you is a jump, most people act out of non-verbals and auto-pilot injunctions and habitsā¦. so knowing it often doesnāt happen until after the fact.. or your intuition knew it but the dissociation, cognitive dissonance and mental games of the other, ends up clouding oneās awareness in that momentā¦
Iād prefer to dive into covert contracts, or diving deeper into unmet needs instead of betrayalā¦ which is way down the lineā¦. itās harder to do anything once itās reached behaviorā¦ dig deeper to what led to itā¦and whatās the secondary gain of these patterns?
Day 15 Exercise:
- If you have NOT done the āemotional literacy exerciseā and āstop emotional flashback hand mnemonicā before please familiarise yourself with them today. Thats ALL you need to do today if you are not familiar with them
- If you have done the exercises before please do an emotional literacy exercise for your work on the codependency course so far. (Optional: write some notes about how dealing with emotional flashbacks pertains to codependency.)
This is to be a āliteā version, do it rapidly, no more than 20 minutes and then share it with the group if you feel like it.
- The point? If we are Emotionally Dysregulated through trauma then ALL healing work becomes exponentially harder. You need these baseline foundational tools to ameliorate the emotional dysregulation by showing up for yourself.
A key element of codependency is self abandonment, we must train ourselves to not abandon ourselves when we need help. The emotional literacy exercise is a great way of showing your most vulnerable parts much needed ATTENTION and listening so you have power to make these parts feel āseenā and āheardā without needing others to do that for you.
The stop flashbacks, is a fast, effective way to reduce the upswing, downswing of moods and reactivity, especially under duress.
I expect you all to make these exercises a part of your daily life.
If its your first day with them? Chill, just watch the videos and follow the instructions as much as you can cope with.
But come back to them, again and again until using them makes you feel calmer and more focused.
https://www.visceralgravitas.com/d/55/113
Uhmā¦.. this is very weird placement to throw this on day 15ā¦. Uhmā¦ whatās the exercise?? ohā¦
do Emo Literacy on the 30DC so far? Ok, but if itās so foundational why bring it up now? OH.. this mightāve been an add on exercise, cuz around day 13-14 had some chaos cuz I called out his use of cognitive distortions and magical thinkingā¦.
re: self abandonment, we must train ourselves to not abandon ourselves when we need help.
Iād argue itās not so easy, as just stop doing itā¦. thereās a need met by self abandonmentā¦ address thatā¦ and then behavior goes awayā¦. also emotional literacy might not be enough to address self abandonmentā¦ this is getting more into parts therapy.. or inner child workā¦
and this is why he likely stuck in the emotional literacy exerciseā¦. due to this rule change or defending of his exercisesā¦ lol
Deef RGās pinned post in Day 15 forum, of which day 15 video is about emotional literacy & hand mnemonic, not really this theme.
Richard Grannon Admin
Day 15 5 hours ago
I wrote this last night but thought Id let it cool for 24 hours.
In reference to the āhighest good of all concernedā exercise:
Sometimes the trick is to wonder what the exercise is an anti dote for.
What disease is it seeking to remedy?
For example I give you an exercise which forces you to state:
āWhy is it ABSOLUTELY NECESSARY and good for me to put myself firstā?
Well arenāt we running an unconscious rule that says āits absolutely necessary for me to put myself lastā?
OR/AND:
āHow is it for the Highest Good Of All Concerned that I put myself first?ā
You think: how the hell do I know what the āhighest good of all concernedā is? Ok, butā¦.
Arenāt you running an unconscious rule that presumes āme being an utter doormatā is the for āthe highest good of all concernedā?
We are here attempting to dismantle the pseudo religious, supposedly sacrosanct unconscious beliefs that keep us in codependency.
And YES they ARE pseudo religious and childish and full of magical thinking and when we pull them into the light, its rather cringe-inducing.
Now do we consciously think we know what the āhighest good of all concernedā is?
No, but we act as though we do when we hamstring others ability to handle their own problems by picking those problems up for them before they even realise the problems exist. Or when we literally demand that we be the last in line. For everything. Always.
This is why I code dumb absolutism (always/never/must etc) into the exercises: its to cure the disease.
The absolutism is how we are already operating!
So because we act as though we know whats best for everyone (us being the sacrificial goat) so we must presume we have made that decision about whats best for everyone unconsciously.
So its OF NO USE saying we have no idea what the āhighest good of all concernedā is when, as a codependent, we make that EXACT determination in every single action we take every single day and smother others will with our preemptive self sacrifice and self negation.
Yes, even in an all knowing and Grandiose manner when we de-facto presume that our total martyrdom and sacrifice is for āthe highest good of all concernedā.
Thinking we MUST be the last and the greatest sacrifice at ALL times to bring salvation to others is a bit grandiose and silly isnt it?
We are just people after all are we not?
So turn this silliness on its head.
Most, not all, of the exercises I designed for this course do 2 things:
Allow you to see the problem in stark reality for yourself
(its critical for a course on codependency that I dont spoon feed you, you must pick up the spoon, otherwise we will create another bloody cult).
Offer an opportunity to recondition the unconscious to operate in new ways that are frequently the opposite of what we are currently doing.
To use a Yoga metaphor: If I ask you to lean hard left, it might be because youve been leaning right for a LONG time and I really want you somewhere in the middle.
I hope this makes sense.
The exercises are not designed to be difficult to simply be gratuitously difficult.
But overcoming lifelong patterns of unconscious behaviour simply is hard.
Thats a fact.
These exercises are the most direct way I know to guide you to helping yourself to do that.
My earlier reaction, context & theories on this weird post - https://www.visceralgravitas.com/d/55/112
Iād simplify this post as RG defending himself & the 30dc layout more than trying to help people, or to make things more understandable.
Zooming outā¦. if codependents have an issue and trap with shared fantasyā¦. well then, a replacement fantasy doesnāt offer healingā¦ so using cognitive distortions to heal, isnāt healing, itās just window dressingā¦.
ohā¦ and doing the oppositeā¦. often is a good tip, but if youāre leading a whole group of people coming from all sorts of backgrounds and with a wide variety of personal issues and starting pointsā¦ the opposite for their issues might be very different than RGās experienceā¦
ohā¦ and for those already falling into splitting, black and white thinking, and thinking in extremesā¦ doing the opposite can reinforce splittingā¦
ohhhā¦ #2 is interestingā¦
Offer an opportunity to recondition the unconscious to operate in new ways that are frequently the opposite of what we are currently doing.
so this is an admission of manipulating oneās unconsciousā¦. how does one make sure that going in there and changing shit, that youāre not gonna mess things up more? or do too much? at least if youāre gonna try to do that, do tons of research in advance to investigate and evaluate whatās going on in there first???? then do tiny changes at mostā¦
jumping in there and fucking things upā¦. thatās a bit reckless??? right?
