Iām still on the fence on releasing the 30dc video publicly, though leaning on doing it as it would give a platform for people who were frustrated with RGās courses??
But lemme try to catch up on some more exercise commentary:
Deef Day 7 Exercise: Create the intention that we can feel SAFE while asserting our boundaries.
- Write at the top āMy intention is to feel safe when I am saying no.ā
- List the contexts where and when you need to feel safe.
- Brainstorm how you could begin to feel safe when asserting these boundaries.
- How could you speak to yourself when trying to feel safe? (2:55 of the video for directions)
- "It is my intention to
feel safe when i set my boundaries with X in trigger scenario Y and
I will tell my child ego state that its ok
whilst I do this
even if I feel āxyx feelingsā
it will be uncomfortable but the discomfort is temporary."
Hmmā¦ this goal to feel SAFE while asserting our boundaries isnāt horrible, though I think itās more important to feel SAFE after. But then again, fuck safety, Iād argue that feeling self respect while and after is more important than feeling safe. Setting boundaries can invite conflict, chaos, uncertainty. So Safety is a terrible evaluation mechanism to link to setting boundaries. Safety comes from cultivating trusted relationships, predictable interaction patterns, and skill of working together with other people.
Linking Safety to Boundaries isnāt a proper causal link, and it actually is counter productive as itās distracting from the purpose of boundaries. Feeling out where you end and the other begins, along with negotiating and talking out that in between space.
As to particulars, uhmā¦ numbers 1-4 is about artificially creating a feeling of safety, which Iād argue can be just duping yourself into the feeling. Which can sort of work, but it can also delude oneself to safety and agreement from others, without any actual observational evidence. So this trick of feeling safe, actually sets one up to fall on their face miserably, because of the self-delusionary nature of it. Along with youāre wasting your energy with self-talk affirmations, instead of listening and learning your environment and other people.
#5 is bordering on the side of gaslighting and lying to your inner child and firefighter protector parts. Over-ride your unresolved childhood emotions at your own peril. Granted we do have the ability to do such a thing, but it should be temporary and more so to temporarily postpone dealing with them. Like if thereās a life emergency that requires action right now, thatās not the time to dive into unresolved childhood stuff. Deal with the emergency, and then work on that inner child stuff at a later time.. like journaling, dream work, or just being curiousā¦
Deef
Day 8 Exercises
Take stock, digest, if you can see even a small improvement please share it with the group.
Not bad, a day to reflect and share with other forum members.
Deef
Day 9 Exercise: Identify what happens when you say NO
- Who, where and when is the structure and then what happens to you
- āWhen I say no to my father at his house (who, where and when) this is what happens internally (what).ā
My GODā¦.. how fucking hard is he making it to say NO??? Donāt make a mountain out of a mole hill. Though it might not be about saying NO, because fuck, if you say NO to a bullying default FIGHT type Narcissist.. Guess what??? they ignore itā¦. or even worse they see it as a narcissistic injury, and escalateā¦.
So stop fucking wasting your energy on an intellectual scape goat, straw man.. or distraction red herring!!?!
And I wonder if doing the opposite might be a better strategy. Fuck this magic NO theory, try to say YES to everything and then notice your emotions and inner sensations. Keep saying YES to shit you donāt like, hate, donāt think is fair, stretch you thinā¦ UNTIL you start feeling self-disgust or outer-disgustā¦. then gradually say NO maybe 5-10% of the time, and feel the sense of relief and self-respectā¦ Thatās a better strategy than this variation of self future fakingā¦
Deef
Day 10 Exercise on āThe Guilt Minesā
- Please identify the emotion/ somatic feeling in the body that triggers the fawning, codependent response.
- Use the emotional literacy exercise if you need to.
- Please list the emotions and share with the group.
re: #1 - what do people do if they are a default FLIGHT type and not a Fawn.. of which I think RG shows a lot of Flight and his fawn type might be secondaryā¦. so heād be a flight/fawnā¦
Diving into the body and feelings and being curious as to what your emotions and sensations are trying to tell youā¦ thatās pretty goodā¦ and importantā¦
Itās hard to critique encouraging more emotional literacy and exploration. Though for guilt specifically, Iād add on some more focus on the convert contracts, assumptions and invisible expectations going on, thatās fueling the guiltā¦. Why does one feel responsible or over-responsible for the other?? If there wasnāt that over-responsibility, then there wouldnāt be a guilt trigger, right??
And for codependents who are conflict averseā¦ they are often trying to control and manipulate otherās conflict and expressions of aggression & negative emotionsā¦.. so if I blame or even threaten a codependent with the risk of an increase of emotional intensity, or specifically shame or guilt them in front of others. Yes, it will be easy to trigger guilt in them and make them jump.
ā¦ā¦
add onā¦
okayā¦ I made the I got Kicked Out video publicā¦ I was a little concerned about burning bridge with RG, but thatās balanced with giving others who have struggled an example, along with helping point out some of his blindspots, and also promoting the VG communityā¦. tsk tskā¦.
