Onnaloves visuals

Onnaloves

It’s 5:40 am and my immune system is making me sick. This is interesting, it’s a good reaction but, it’s a strong reaction to a triggering dose. I tend to learn things like a bee sting. I’m overly sensitive and when I get stung again, the reaction is intense and scary.
this doesn’t mean I have a strong immune system, if anything it means I am sensitized easily.
which is a problem to overreact, sometimes dangerously. My blackouts are continuing. I have fever, and headache, my sinuses are dry and painful.

interesting. I think I’m too fucked to attend today. Which is irritating, because I actually am LIKING PEOPLE for a change. Like, it’s weird, normally I don’t miss anyone, I don’t have feelings in general. It’s more like, I don’t feel anything, therefore I’m non commital, therefore I don’t care and won’t miss you.

but I am actually caring, for a significant but small change. I miss Crystal, I miss Kurt. I miss Eric, and Dan. I miss that old hag Alison. 🤣🤣🤣 I must be turning into a softy, because, I’m normally indifferent, and usually judgemental and offended by everyone just being normal. I’m offended and disgusted. That’s pretty much most I ever feel. And I go by that judgement rather than intuition about people. Silently looking for clues to stay the fück away.

but, what has changed? Maybe my judgement is wrong? That given consistency, people have shown value to me. Tiny things that add up. Like Crystal is so adorable, I just wanna give her a hug right now. What the fuck is wrong with me? And hag Alison actually has more balls than me. I’m starting to appreciate our differences when I see them played out in the group setting, triggering off people and the domino effect is fun. Because it is! And we are all laughing at our own inadequacies. Which feels great!

fuck this headache. I’ve never had so many since I started working with Deef. He makes me think hard. And maybe, my personal social distancing has kept me retarded. In ways I cannot understand but am appreciating small things like people knowing about each other. Unity. Out of unlikely correspondence.

this is more natural than searching fir a group of enlightened people who want the comfort of love.

Onnaloves

Historical map reading in Chinese

I found two historical Chinese maps from 1794, and 1812. And started studying local ancestry and myths. These maps are so detailed you can get lost in the travels of your ancestors.
why am I doing this? Like who even cares? Well, it’s Mother’s Day this weekend, and instead of being focused on how my mother never loved me, or my daughters never celebrate me, yada. I’ve decided to give my mother a gift that she cannot do for herself. Give her forgiveness, that she needs to forgive herself. By showing her, her ancestors made her a decoy. They were only trying to survive against ill fortune that was a self fulfilling prophecy.
keith wonders how the hell im able to find so much about my matriarchal family. Well, it started with the name, and the pronouciation of the name. The dialect of this family tells you when they left mainland China, and preserved more ancient forms of speaking and writing before pinyin romanji was established, and before simplified Chinese was made to make language more equitable across all of China.

massive reforms in China that evolved language, left its mark in our names. And on top of that the genial pedagogy of each family was inescapable, as though each child became named with reflections of the parents shadow of their past inherited specific struggle. Their parents invest in their children to break the chain of their own suffering, that is unique and yet the same pattern in every family. Strangely a repetition every three generations, if the same mistakes preceding them. And the bizarre thing is, most Chinese families, share stories and become so caught up in the story, they end up exactly what was expected of them or repealed by them. So that they merely followed the pendulum swing of the same familial grandfather clock.
I noticed when I researched, that the oatterns repeat every three generations, which makes me, the same as great grandmother. So knowing her path, is like knowing how she found get way in society, and I will do the same.
you are only as free as your place in society. Find your place, and you will be free. My great grandmother was the barbarian bride. Who married into nobility, to preserve her mothers fortunes. When the queen of the south China seas made a treaty with the emperor, that she would stop the war and surrender, and release her control of all the pirates, she had to meet his conditions. Execute 126 head pirates, the leaders of each ship in her clan. And they could keep their money and treasure ONLY IF the descendants were wed with his noble extended family. So each daughter was picked off by nobility looking for brides to add to their concubine.

except my grandmother refused unless the deal was made more equal. She would not wed unless the noble agreed he would follow pirate rules, and only have one wife, and if they had daughters, to never bind their feet. So the daughters would always be free to fight. Free to play, and run and climb. So, she maintained the protection of women, and the noble that chose her did so because pirates made good business women. They were transactional and spoke very language of the seas, to strengthen his merchant trading with the overseas. And they became powerful together.

my path is to become more powerful with my husband, and offer the protection of women, as engraved in the talisman of the family heirloom. “Governess”

and I know how I plan on doing this, so I have a purpose already, through the guidance of knowing my ancestors.

Deef

irritating, because I actually am LIKING PEOPLE for a change. Like, it’s weird

very impressive… yes.. irritating, weird, foreign, dangerous…. this wacky thing called being human and attachment..

fuck this headache. I’ve never had so many since I started working with Deef. He makes me think hard.

I’ll take all the credit for the massive headaches and the fritzed up immune system reactions… growth, learning and transformation is hard..

congrats though.. amazing progress.. way way faster than most!!!

Onnaloves

Deef He makes me think hard.

I’ll take all the credit for the massive headaches and the fritzed up immune system reactions… growth, learning and transformation is hard..

Yeh it is, but you made it playful 😈 thank you. I think I’m a bit unempathetic to myself, I get over obsessed and don’t give myself a break. I know I need to right now, but I’m onto something and that makes me excited like you wouldn’t believe.

Onnaloves

Undeniably fucked today. The swollen muscle got to its worst yesterday, that wasn’t too bad because I am pretty good at dealing with musculoskeletal pains in the physical body. But, today, it has dispersed into my diplo bone behind my eyes and in the sockets. I’m making new immune cells programmed for covid, and right now this immune reaction is fucking with my sensitive brain.

I feel foggy, and I cannot speak, I come out with words but it is hilarious garbage. And it’s very audibly clear something is wrong with me. The cool thing is, I am completely cool with it. I have hidden these difficulties all my life. But now when I am in cognitive distress I can just come out with word salad and at least Keith knows I’m not muting for judgement, muting for silent violence, muting for warfare, muting for shutting him out, muting for hating him.

I’m expressing muteness, and just letting it be toddler pre-verbal garbage. Because when I actually manage to come out with meaning in amongst the garbage, there is RELIEF like you won’t believe. I am heard, I can speak, it’s 2 year old but I can convey meaning even when the words are abstract. I am teaching Keith how much difficulty I’m in, and he’s letting up. He’s actually acknowledging me.

my memory blackouts are continuing. Something has gone wrong this week and I will have to re-read the diary in order to figure it out. But I know it’s probably more to do with fighting cognitive dissonance burns. Burning myself on purpose. Because there comes a point where my brain is going FÜCK YOU ZZZZAP and the next thing is, I become aware that I couldn’t fight it, I am somewhere else and I can’t recall what happened.

huh if i was to tell a doctor, they’d probably tell me to take it easy or don’t do that or do some drugs! I think I need to go, but right when? I only need to know a physical baseline of where I am.

I used to get burned 20 times a day EASILY. Now, 6-8, sometimes 3. But, I’m purposely LOOKING FOR THINGS to trigger me 🤣🤣🤣 it’s kinda fun to see who can fuck up my head - because the challenge is for me to stay with it, and take the piss until I burn through it.

but right now, I am burned out. My immune system is well on its way, pumping new cells out of my spongey bone in my eye sockets, and giving me rotten discomfort in my brain.

the result is entertaining for keith. I literally can’t remember what, but there was a conversation where I needed comfort. I asked for hot chocolate, then rice, then Nabana, but couldn’t find the words so this string of comfort words came out with pointy flappy gestures searching for the word that was hidden from my sight.

I do not remember the conversation as it ended with Keith shaking his head and realizing how much trouble I’ve been in to stay quiet all our marraige. My speech fart has continued this morning, I can’t speak words so it’s still garbage. Wait. Is this like a stroke?

yeh my symptoms are weird - I’m just so used to the feeling of my own brain fucking with me and flowing when it wants. Soooo it’s a bit overloaded I think with this inoculation dose.

Onnaloves

Weird thought came in my head.
need to write it down.
religious people vs atheist people. How can they co-exist? How can all religions co-exist?
well, it goes something like this.
a religious person says their cup is half full of positivity, and therefore becomes more virtuous by pretending his cup is full, by filling in the rest.

a atheist says, my cup is half empty, and thinks they are being realistic, but feel attacked with virtuosity when the religious person is saying their cup is full, because they filled it with more toxic positivity shit.

a the atheist goes mad, because the atheist still sees the religious person’s half full cup, but, they haven’t filled in the rest of their own cup to demonstrate how it’s done.

then there’s me. Who’s trying to figure out, why nothing I pour into that cup makes it fuller than half empty. Hmmm, it’s like you can put strawberries in, whizz it down, and all the fluff and air comes out and my cup is still half empty.

I believe, the trick is, to start with a smaller cup. And little by little, shed the cup and swap it for a medium one and top it up with more smoothie. Then it’s always as full as it can be without judgement.

I’m starting to see believers are the same thing. Believers, and hysteria, and followers and fans, all want redemption, all have to follow someone else for redemption to pretend their cup is full ontop of half full.

whereas me, I’m always thinking of ways to grow my half empty cup. Instead of realizing, I could enjoy life to the full with a smaller cup.

Onnaloves

Somethings happening on the algorithms. Ive been picking a fight all over the place looking for the burns.🤣 not doing social justice rotten tomatoes throwing, just, commenting on people’s fucked up threads and hoping they defend themselves. And it’s been really funny.
Yess I get burned, and other people join the cesspool, and now I’m hosting the fight. I even started doing this shit over on LinkedIn guru profiles. That shit comes up in my news feed and pisses me off, so I start irritating those business gurus now. Just to see what happens.
and the crazy thing is, my profile views on LinkedIn jumped up to 75 views in a week, and a bunch of connection requests. The same thing happened on YouTube. I’ve gone up to a subscriber rate of 75 ppl a month. All from commenting not posting, and instead picking a fight. Algorithms seem to love the heat and throw more people my way.
before when I did internet traffic siphoning for other people and profiles and personal research, algorithms were much simpler. And they evolved over time with addons that formed loop holes, or unintentionally fucked things up. Like correlating spikes (sentinel flag) with drops (algorith test) so if you managed to balance the spikes and plateaus, you could GROW FAST. But this effort was a lot.
and other small YouTubers noted, that being less than 100k was not worth the work, unless this was literally your passion and you do it anyway.
well, I have finally found my passion and been working on that. I’m excersising practice in the form of arguments on YouTube that give me time to process back and forth that I cannot do in real time.
so I can develop the communication skills to relaunch livestreams regarding my work as a split identity artist. And how it’s influenced by gender role in society. Since I have much contention with being a damned woman, and blame men for it.
so it’s kinda like screw all labels, I’m trying to figure out instead, if I can let up on men, somehow, by being more aggressive. 🤣🤣🤣
I don’t know if this is working, it’s just an experiment. I’m not being myself, and that’s kinda burny territory to try. But it’s funny it’s making me laugh out loud. The shit responses I’m getting. It’s weird it’s like, oh wow negative attention 🤣🤣🤣
anyway I’m doing this while editing another name divination film for my psychopathic mother. Poor mum. She never knew she was set up to fail from the very beginning. No wonder she hates all of society. And I have become in many ways just like her. The same pendulum of the same clock. Just expressed a little differently.
one weird thing I noticed. In all the attacks I’m putting out there, no one has sustained damage yet. It’s like, all I’m doing is stirring the pot, and no one has yet called me out or really made me hurt. I don’t know why I keep expecting it, maybe that’s all in my head. I never really feel shame about anything I do, because I know I’m not really hurting anyone. Or maybe I’m fighting something that’s alien to me, learning assertive conversation, oi yes that’s it. Because yes I do fuck up. I have always been afraid in the past to offend anyone. Now I don’t really give a fuck

Onnaloves

Daaaamn I started the blobby today! Ha! That was interesting. Forgot about my monthly cycle that always starts on a Sunday, and always in the week preceding it knocks me right out. So this last week I’ve been having blackouts, multiple times a day. But, they are weird. It’s like I glitched out from a big burn, and somehow I get tired and fall asleep, and later on I recollect while I’m awake a dream, and I can’t remember when I had it.
soooo, somethings up with my rewiring, it’s jumbly and fuckimg me around. But the crazy thing is, the voices in my head are gone. I’ve noticed now for sure, it’s been about A WEEK, and they for sure ARE GONE.
Also, for the first time today, I don’t quite know how to describe it. But I feel human. I feel kinda stupid. I make mistakes, I feel like a brat, I’m babbling to keith about any nonsense and… he’s laughing WITH ME.
our relationship has changed over the last two weeks, but today, something feels special.
he bought me a book of the brain for our wedding anniversary, and I was so fucking happy! He sent me a Mother’s Day card! And I was so happy!
he bought me CHERRY ICE CREAM! And I’ve been sitting down with him enjoying movie nights together! This is so weird.
and it’s having an effect on the bunnies. Little miss trauma bunny, is becoming brave. She is jumping on our laps when we are together. She is coming when I call her name. It’s almost like, the change in me is being picked up by my bunnies. And the are both changing in reflection to that. Keith has become a very doting bunny parent, and he kissed me on the forehead today and said
“Thank you for bringing a bunny home”
they have been an exquisite medium between us. Acting out our silent violence between us, showing us a mirror of sadness, that there was something very wrong neither of us knew how to describe let alone fix.
but today I am feeling human. Something like chemistry. I do not feel inert. I feel like reactive or responsive, and I’m spacing out less and less. I visit the bath now once or twice a day. And I WASH AND CLEANSE MYSELF. Instead of just pickling and soothing from a poo ache. I am feeling clean, clear, and fresh, ready to take on the day.

Deef

Onnaloves But the crazy thing is, the voices in my head are gone.
I’ve noticed now for sure, it’s been about A WEEK, and they for sure ARE GONE.

I sense this could be a major turning point… we’ll see with a bit more time.. but that’s feels like a major change… along with the other changes you’re noticing.. The voices going quiet is what’s caught my attention.
👏🍨

Onnaloves

Deef I feel weird. Like I’m really on my own, I’m having difficulty remembering the rhizome that has been a comfort to me but somehow I can’t just “go there” in my head, it doesn’t work anymore. I’m worried about that like losing something. The headaches are moving more centrally and top. And because I’ve noted all the places I feel in my brain, I read this Journal like a map of my brain. Re-Remembering where I felt in my head as though the pain in that location returns,
yet I do not see the rhizome anymore, my vision is complete and no longer interfered with at the periphery, like I’m no longer looking at the world from underwater anymore.
and I don’t even notice when the voices went away. I’ve been so busy and burning myself on purpose, the voices seemed frightened away. I thought they might come back after the burns. But they faded and never returned.
now I’m hungry. I feel hungry a lot these days. I never used to feel that. I always had to be reminded to eat, but I’m actually fetching my breakfast first thing in the morning. I never used to do that

Deef

feel weird. Like I’m really on my own,

Possibly you’re coming into connecting with your humanity??? Part of it is there’s this strong feeling of isolation and separation.

my vision is complete and no longer interfered with
they faded and never returned.

I see these as potential signs of going through some sort of transformation or emergence. Just a guess, as I don’t have other models to compare your situation with. Maybe your path is more fire vs water, so it can be really rapid changes but that’s also a lot more pain and intensity too..

I’m hungry. I feel hungry a lot these days.

Maybe your Gut brain getting better integrated? or you’re more in your body so you notice the signals? Or there’s just less noise from inner voices and visual static.. so you can notice hunger pains and other subtle physical feedback?

Pretty impressive and dramatic changes though, seems like strong signs of progress and growth… it’s almost a bit too unfair that the speed of it all… makes other people’s growth look like super slow snails…. tsk tsk..

Onnaloves

Deef well thanks heh. I have done gone and changed much lots. Uh. My speech is still funky. Headaches are ok, I can’t do much in the way of handstands as I can’t control the pressure change or bloodflow with these headaches.
I have noticed that I am not passing out anymore, but I am still getting blackouts, the headaches are related to the blackouts. The passing out but, I had gotten used to and I could barely fight through them, so never told anyone because Keith was getting way to worried for my liking.

I have literally stopped using social media. It’s just a time suck, so I’ve completely stopped. With exception to purposely starting a fight on my channel or in someone else’s dipshit thread.

I’m definitely hungry all the time. I am studying lots as relaxation - like no one is gonna believe it.

I found an 1892 historical map of China, with folklore all around it… and the folklore I’m translating… and holy crap, this is amazing stuff. I think I’ve just gone and got me another project. Translating folklore on historic maps from China. Damn it’s fun the stuff I’m working on.

and while I’m studying and researching and making discoveries… keith is checking on me and asking how I found this and that, how I’m able to work all this out. So he wants me to continue my manuscript, and then he wants me to package it, so he can get it produced.

but I seem to have a talent for this that I never knew I had, and it’s giving me such passion to connect with people. Hear their stories, and chat. I’ve found other YouTubers in similar fields of study and research, and I’m just having conversation on their channels, it’s like a whole new world opened up of potential collaborations. But, I still can’t seem to get my ass dressed. I’m getting used to headaches now, I think it’s like growing pains of the brain.

s good Job my recovery is in my own time at home, because I still look like the grudge in overworn clothes. So I guess I really have to nail this self care thing very soon - it’s a struggle, my skin is sensitive I can’t even bare to wear clothes. They make me itch and hurt my skin and I can only wear cotton for the time being.

Onnaloves

so this is what I copied off the map, at the bottom in the south China seas.

what it literally translates as is peculiar - if you think literally with an English Brain it reads:
One Armed Country
people have one half body one arm one leg. Men and women look the same. They come together in the forest and merge. When they emerge they come out to fight. They have filial love for themselves.

😂🤣

So it’s a cute folklore story that’s been handed down since whenever and finally printed here in 1892

here’s my analysis:
a person that looks like neither a man or woman, has the strength of a man in his body but the love of a woman. Their familial bond is so strong they will protect themselves and fight equally, men and women. PIRATES

so they demonized pirates in folklore.

they also demonized other lands of the south China seas from what I can see in their folklore.
there is a land of mermaids, nearby, who have the skills of fish in water but stand like a man in the water. FISHERWOMEN

there is a land of women without men
SEA GYPSIES! the women of the Philippines as well as the AMA women of Japan. There was a kernel of truth to the folklore of 1892.
and the town in which my great grandmother 6 generations back retired, became my antecedents homeland. Until they still yet had to escape from the imperial fall, and before the communist uprising. So my Ancestors fled further south with their fortunes, and maintained their dignitary statuses, for as long as they could… before time would catch up with them.

I have learned so much from this ancient map, the villages on there are most detailed. I might even be able to trace the lands my grandfather owned, I’ve not paid much attention to him. I know before he became a politician of high rank, his family was from a line of royal bodyguards turned politicians.
my great grandfather was of a noble line, but I haven’t researched his side or paid much attention to the male side of the family. Because strangely enough, the mitochondrial genes are the ones that carry the epigenes that turn on and off trauma survival. And this is only on the matriarchal side.
the paternal side donates more warrior gene and competitive nature, and really only switches on to psychopathy when there is a lack of estrogen protecting the glia of the brain during pruning between 5-9.
our brains are pruned to solidify our personalities and thinking style during this age, and in my case yes I had a severe lack of estrogen, which enabled my competitive nature to fight through and survive my childhood trauma. Had I not had the warrior gene, I would have had no fight in me to survive the nature of my ongoing trauma from 5-13 years old.
So it’s a blessing and a curse, to have such lack of self empathy, to push myself too hard and fight until I can literally blackout or have seizures.
I have a pain tolerance in my body that scares doctors, because I’ve been through treatments like, meh, maybe an itch. I’ve slept through childbirth labour to give me strength. I’ve tranced out through stomach cameras, and not felt my jawbone infection even when they collapsed a rotten tooth from a hidden caries. I’ve had 6” needle injections threaded into my hips, and really just guided them towards the itch. And my doctors confer on my medical records, I have this thing called hypoalgesia. I feel no pain in my musculoskeletal except I’ve had to learn it, because my diseases hit me like a train when I realize I just can’t walk.
but in recent months, I’ve been enjoying pain, like a masochist. It makes me feel alive, even though it’s kinda shitty.

Onnaloves

I am labouring through my mothers history, it’s tough to put it together in a condensed format. But I’m really proud of how this film is coming along.
keith went out today to a film production meeting, some feature film production he may be taking on, which means I’ll be home alone in the next few months.
and also, he’s been checking in on my film progress, astonished how much I managed to dig up. So he is guiding me on how best to pitch it, and get this story into development.
my research on my family started when I met Keith in the Philippines where I lived for a year, working for a film studio in Cebu. For the first time in my life on Asian soil, I started to think about home, that I had run away from, and suddenly I was closer to home than I’d ever felt in my whole life.
How could this be? When I wasn’t even on Chinese soil, and they were Philippinos not Chinese? Well, as part of my job working for the film studio, I would have a bodyguard, and we would scout everything from Junk Yards, to crocodile skin traders looking for skins and props to make these mermaid tails. I was head production designer for the mermaid tails, which we took into the open sea and made short films with.
now since I was making mermaid tails, I would have to train the models how to swim in them too, so I also wore a mermaid tail of my own construction and played with it at weekends visiting different islands. We would travel using a traditional bamboo catamaran, and I felt more at home than you could imagine. The locals would start to come out to see me, swim with my tail in the sea, and they were afraid of me. My guide told me, there were local legends of mermaids, and that’s when I started digging the internet for clues about where my ancestry came from.
all I could remember 10 years ago was that my grandmother was a princess, and that their villa was now turned into a museum. So I started there, and to my shock, the royal family was real, and my mother had indeed been their outcast daughter, which saved her life. Because in the museum, were no Chinese, but Muslim women tourists taking colour selfies of a place I had only seen in black and white.
so I researched my Princess grandmother, and found she had unbound feet, because she had a history of matriarchs of barbarian brides. Noble dignitaries, without bound feet. And I researched what barbarian brides meant, and found local legends of pirates, and women who fought like men.
who looked after the villages, in the south China seas.
and my whole history started to unravel, of fisher women, who were mistaken as mermaids and pillaged by western merchants. I collected broadsheets of sensationalised news from sea faring voyagers to the south China Seas, and knew, these women were my ancestors.
my mother didn’t know that much, but her stories had clues. I knew her town name, I knew the museum, and she grew up with the folklore of that region. Including the little people who came down from the mountains to steal and eat children.
this folklore is also on the ancient map… and the crazy thing is, the little people were real, pigmy human beings, who lived on an island across the straight from Medan.
my mother had loads of stories of her mother’s growing up, passed down from her mothers mother.
they told stories of how, a whole village sank into the water, when a huge mountain blew up, and turned the sea to pumice. And my great grandmother remembered that, and how they went to save people that could be saved, with the aid of the Dutch.
how lucky I have been to have been told fantastical stories, that seemed untrue until I spent the last 10 years digging, and found, every single one was correct.
and it made me sad and lonely in recent weeks, knowing I am disconnected from everyone, yearning somehow to celebrate them, and honour what they did to survive. Maybe if I honour them, I will grow a new family of connection to the other side of the world, and show mother, she is also not alone.

Onnaloves

New installation of ancestral name divination

ASMR Ancestor Warrior Women 鄭氏 descendants 美姍 Oracle bone name divination

this film took a tonne of research to compile for 6 minutes. I have been studying hard and I sont know where this is going, but I’m feeling proud like… I have done the best I can to show mother who she is and where she came from.

I have pieced together ancient maps in high resolution by stitching together hundreds of tiles. And there is still a tonne of work open to me, because now I’m exploring the other folklores of different villages and fiefdoms.

I didn’t realize how much stuff I had collected over the years until I finally started to compile it so that it could make sense to others. I really enjoy translating Oracle bone script, the conceptual form of language is so different from English and German, and seems to excersise a new area of my brain. I have also studied Japanese for 2 years and I know some of the words phonetics in Japanese also. So it’s weird. I can’t believe how much information I’ve sucked in and learned how to spit out with meaning.

I haven’t had a chance to start maths yet, I’ve been dedicating most of my time to illustrating and editing. And I’ve already got the assets together for my next film.

Onnaloves

Yaaawn. Taking an easy day after that last marathon video editing. My videos are for me. I’m not trying to grow an audience or anything. If I make art that I like that helps me understand and grow as a person, that is all I need. I won’t sell art, because that just turns me into a machine producing what other people want to see.
the stuff I do for me that I also like, that is hypersexualized is now all private, behind a paywall. I enjoy doing it, for me. And there is a semblance of interaction around it within my private area, I do not need to suffer the men anymore that comment.
things have suddenly become very very clear to me.
when you put content out there, the viewers are in dissonance immediately, thinking you put it out there for them and they become greedy and want you to serve it on a hot plate, with fresh pickings just for them. It’s selfish and greedy, people are disgusting. They are too afraid to attack the hand that feeds them, so they whisper on other peoples threads, looking to straw man attack the hand that feeds them, for not being good enough, for them.
you will never be good enough FOR THEM.
they will cowardly attack using slander, and projection to rally people around them. Right. In. Your. Home. Right in your Territory, your Channel, your roof. It is RUDE. Disgusting behaviour.
I no longer get these attacks on my channel, since I’ve made my hypersexual content private, the greedy thirsty people are having to pay to join me or support me.
and there’s a new bunch, I haven’t worked them out yet. My Patreon is in the middle of evolving, so I’m at a loss right now.
ether way, I’m having fun on different YT channels right now. I’ve learned how to find my tribe, of people searching for how to better understand themselves. Not through Grannon. Or Vaknin, but other channels…
through Deef I learned I want to think more like how he thinks, which seems odd. But I see someone who is able to feel people out more clearly than I, but I am mute, so want to use this feeling to unlock my mute.
which is working, I am now talking, but the words are hard to find, I come out with word salad that seems to have meaning in the cloud of garbage.
comforting words are like toast, rice, chocolate, noodles, and painful words where I feel hurt or something come out really bad. Like: defenstrate decompose, bubble, or just something kinda jacked up and weird. I just keep blabbering until the cloud condenses a few words that have some sort of poetic meaning, and Keith is like OH I KNOW WHAT YOU MEAN!
so the point is, my reactivity is there, but the pathways to my words are not. So I just keep on finding them in the cloud, until I find them. Arguing on YouTube helps. Because I feel the same angry burn. Like defending Deef, because these assholes are overstepping bounds. I would argue their critique is utterly invalid and worthless. They instead demonstrate cowardice and hit and run. But I’m just having fun with it because whatever I say, they are just wrong. I like feeling burned… but they are wrong, and I am holding up. So bring it on, burn me more asshole, escalate it up. I want them to. Believe me I do, the longer I hold up this burn attack, the more I learn I can actually get through it, and the next day, after headaches, I am literally babbling again like radio Juliana. Bubbling words in grammatical error but no less NOT FEELING MUTE.
I know my inner mute has somehow broken through.

it’s like I had a character before, of Dastardly and Muttley. Where Darstardly wanted to steal treasure and his helper was the stupid poor mute muttley.

have you ever noticed how all the cartoon evil guys had a dumb sidekick? Well I was always the dumb sidekick. Except that muttley was kinda smart, muttley was my alter ego. The underdog. The mute mutt. That didn’t even care when my mother attacked me with “bitch on heat” because I knew that was just my mothers thinking, she treated me like a dog, worse than a dog, because I was HER DOG.

well, now this muttley dog has teeth. Hahahah. And she can speak. And she still chuckles like muttley.

Onnaloves

When I was younger I used to read the agony aunts column where people wrote in anonymously to find a solution to their stuckness. And I would weigh the validity of the agony aunts advice.
those days are gone, there is no such thing as a slow pace of advice let alone a thought out delivery of the problem in the first place.
I had no other means of learning a way of doing things or reacting, when these newspaper columns I used to turn to in the daily newspaper… dissappeared. And now, there is no such holding place for our personal growth. And it sucks.
I’ve had a couple of Chinese Girls, more Chinese than me, asking me if I would do their name divinations…
funny that. So I might do it, just because they were nice enough to ask. Isn’t that bizarre? My audience ratios are now 48% female and growing! I literally couldn’t be happier!
I really do feel strange, like new circuitry is running, and it’s freshly carved, and I just want to play with it and piss people off. For some reason, I’m attracting a new and different kind of follower, and I’m not even sure how or why they are finding me. And subscribing to my Patreon. AND asking me to do name divinations.
have I become that place, that I used to look to in newspapers, for girls who are just like me? Unable to express themselves?

Onnaloves

I’ve been thinking about challenging myself to come out again and livestream, test the waters.
If I am personally growing, then why the fuck do I feel like a clumsy fucking 2 year old? It’s kinda funny, I have reactions but they ARE CLUMSY as fuck. And I’m wondering when I can test a new livestream out… just be clumsy brain fart me.

Onnaloves

Yikes! I’ve just had a MAJOR attack of diarrhea. It came out smelling like food. Wait…
wat the fuck is this?
weiTe back later when I get a grip on my guts.

Onnaloves

It wasn’t a bad attack, it was just unexpected, and caught me off guard, surprised. I don’t feel ill.
sooo this is a seratonin overload. Seratonin causes the shits, when it floods and the guts just momentarily over react. Which means… I MIGHT be able to start coming off my antidepressants. Since I’m on them because I don’t produce enough seratonin of my own.
today, I was being lazy taking it easy, studying, chatting with fellow Chinese girls who were asking me for their names. I was feeling good! But then, in the mean time, I decided to play fight over on Deffs Channel. Hehehe I had some burny fun. It’s really weird how I enjoy fucking with people now. I feel the burn, and I enjoy it. That’s really weird.
I can feel adrenaline, I feel my temperature flush, I burn. I feel my heart rate raise. I want to fight! And they’re gonna loose!
I’ve never had these sensations before. This drive. These emotions. This passion. Fuck I’m so hungry right now. I keep getting hungry, you’d think I have worms, I actually go and get myself a sandwich, which I MAKE MYSELF. Considering I couldn’t make a sandwich three months ago. I would try anyway but what a bloody mess. My executive dysfunction and spacing out and clumsy ness gets in the way and I end up eating a wet bread with something on it. But at least I recognize the plate I’m supposed to use and don’t put cereal in a mug anymore. And coffee in a bowl.
wow I’m so hungry my guts are noisy - and this makes me wanna poo. I’ve lived my ENTIRE LIFE struggling to poo. Now, I have to regulate my shit. I don’t even have poo-pain anymore! Like- I could not have imagined this 6 months ago a year, 5 years ago. I consigned it to my life to live with pain every time I went to the toilet. Every day. And nothing worked. And even doctors who discovered the pearls of nerve damage, told me they could not be treated.

today I shat through the eye of a needle. And I’ve just realized - these reactions I’m getting? I used to be inert! I never used to have reactions, because I was afraid of burning. And now? I HAVE FUCKING REACTIONS! Beware whoever pokes me, I will slap you back. I think that’s what seratonin controls! Reactions!!! Seratonin enables me to react! And right now I’m so flooded I completely shit my guts out.

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