Woke up today at 9 am. The earliest wake up and immediate start since weeks, or I can’t remember. But today was a zoom meeting with regulars from my old therapy group. Which I attended for three years and begrudged during that time I thought I had learned nothing. I begrudged that at that time, I could jot open up nor share any part of me, since I pretty much hated everyone in that room.
well something strange happened today, they welcomed me and recounted to me how I told them my story last time we met as a group. And they said stuff that kinda astounded me. I was surprised? Not the word I’m looking for. Not shocked.
just, I had to admit, I have no recollection of what I said in that meeting, nor what I had revealed. So I acknowledged that it was some terrible story probably of my childhood sexual abuse, and how I was sold later on, and raped, and lost my children. But today I said - well from what you’re telling me, I deduce i must have told you my story, but today I’m in a different place, because I totally forgive everyone, my mother, myself even, and I’m grateful to keith, for just observing and letting me heal.
because I’ve realized I have an ability to connect with my ancestors and realize, the anger my mother inflicted on me was an outlet for her epigenetic trauma folded into her, and repeated in me. Therefore because I have this skill, I will use it to help myself, and to help others.
it’s ironic that, in all my life, I have concerned myself with the sensations like the wind and insects coming from the bodies of others, when I could not feel myself. So I decided to work on myself, see if this empathy I have for others, of disease, can work on myself.
and maybe there is a way to not sound like a complete crazy, to approach a doctor about things I feel in my body, that I know can’t be picked up on an fMRI or ultrasound scan, because the strangulating tissue is invisible on a scan. But maybe there is a way I can convince a doctor to search in the right place?
and then I also told them my business idea. Of channeling ancestors for others.
I have original thoughts in my brain and thinking patterns, and I know how they were formed. I know how to see the signs expressed in the physiognomy of the body, of how those structural patterns in the brain are also reflected in our faces and in the way we hold our spines.
I have developed my ideas for where this comes from over a long period of time, and study, and comparison during my travels, of geographic groups of human variety, that can validate or qualify my thoughts about expression.
but it can’t be explained just with words, there is a lot of mapping and illustrating I never even seem to have the time for. So these projects are coming together now. And I am about to map the skeletons of all the projects and bring them together.
they are all related to my certain skill, of mapping. I have studied four major hormones of influence on our bodies, and how during our formative years, these hormones control how our coping methods become carved during the years of pruning, through a mothers epigenetic trauma, and through our own. These markers can be identified in the casing of our brain, in features of our face and skull, and more.
the Testosteron hormone for example is actually shaped like a columnar spring. It has tension along its length, such that when it lines up along muscles or neurons, it causes a tension that has to be relieved by growth and extension of the very cell that is reacting to it. So testosterone becomes a tensioning device, enabling longitudinal growth, planar growth. It applies longditidinal tension also to our muscles, and longditusinal tension to our axons. Those with the longest axons, have the highly gyrifyed brains, because the oxbows in the brain start to form where the tunnels of axons curl upon themselves from the tension of testosterone. The longest axons being from front to back, the visual cortex, so those who lack the ability to be receptive to testosterone, will liklysuffer inhibited ocular imagination. Aphantasia.