This place, is where I get to think and talk about only me, unheld back, as selfishly indulgent self-introspection without hiding or being judged by anyone. And I have been honest to myself with such shock in here. That I realize I mostly only think about myself. But yes I forgive myself for that, because, nobody has my back.
And then, this morning, Keith came to me and apologized in tears for a lot. Like, he’s obviously been thinking a lot since the cancer revealed itself, and he feels guilty a lot. He talked about how he never had kids, never wanted to get married, until he met me, but, he was at a low point in his life, without any purpose, until he met me. And that I became his purpose, and that he was aware I had none, but he did not support me with finding my purpose.
I married him without purpose and that was a big mistake. Not that I didn’t know what I was doing, but by marrying without purpose, I therefore had no commitment, and therefore would choose to run off or leave the marriage if things got rough. Which is technically what happened. I gave up on our lives, and sought something for me, a career, and a fantasy of feeling valued for a skill or talent that gave me purpose. And Christian became part of that.
Unfortunately, Christians only purpose was to himself, so when I got to Austria and realized I had made a big mistake, I tried to justify my running away from Keith by hating him, for driving me to such self destructive paths to find something for myself. Because I felt alone in our marraige. Because I had no shared purpose.
I have of course in the last 4 months discovered my real purpose, what I want, what I live to love for, what I love to live for, before this news came crashing down to test me with my purpose. And because Keith is supporting me in making this business happen, I am truly grateful and love him, inspite of all his flaws which I can now completely forgive.
He cried that he missed the window to take out life insurance on me, because now the cancer marker will make that impossible.
And now that there is a cancer marker, the insurance policy I have is kind of useless as it does not cover prescriptions or preferences. So we have already investigated the costs of therapies and have found this is all quite manageable and doable - IF THE BUSINESS TAKES OFF.
Lol, so my purpose has become intwined with my own support system, that not only am I creating something to help many women in something that I could never enjoy for myself, but I am creating a nest egg and security for my daughters and Keith, and this time, for the first time in my life, a self responsibility to be able to pay for my own cancer therapy.
There are special payment systems to enable me to take advantage of the treatment plan I choose, but in order to make any of this real, I must succeed with my immense project. Every hour that goes by that I work in the lab, things come closer to being real. Problems are mere hurdles to being solved, and I feel so powerful and happy, that only I would have bothered to do this for all women. As only I have the necessary skills and somatic insight, that can fit together the pieces of a woman’s fractured and incomplete psyche. I am not being boastful by saying this.
The convergence of the discipline of engineering, medical knowledge of the functional aspect of healing our parts that are 90% psyche, the determination, the talent to actually design and create something beautiful, is an art that I seem to have the right blend of, at the right time in my life, and it would have been a one in a million chance of a woman happening to put this together… as a man would not. He has no such need. And womens needs are mostly invisible, unheard, because people assume we have none, because we gave up trying to talk about it, because we were not heard. And not seen.
This time in my life is honestly the best time in my life, and cancer simply drew it to a focal point. A Deadline becomes a stronger goal. Milestones become an action plan. Action becomes reality. And I have figured it out for the first time in my life, my dreams will come true, and be carried forward by those I have invested in around me. I will always be remembered in this investment if my life, the last thing I actually do, the only thing I have actually done right.
Yeh, so I was not expecting that. Keith apologizing and realizing he had not supported me in my own purposes. But then I too am at fault for referring to his priority over mine. His business, his consultancy, the skill being used for others instead of pleasuring myself. And he knows I’ve been ill for a very long time. And he regrets that he did not take care to push me to getting checked out sooner.
But I did try, and doctors derided me that I was complaining about nothing. They belittled and dismissed my subtle symptoms. And I did not have the assertion, as I never have had the assertion, being a woman, of diminutive importance of intuition - against the patriarchal medical system.
I have always known, that there was a weakness inside me. I have subconciously known something was wrong. But if doctors dismissed it, then I gaslit myself too to burying it, because I always felt unheard and only there for other peoples purposes.
Keith realizes too that even if the best scenario possible that the cancer marker is a false positive, that there is no reason for the pancreas to signal that it is in trouble, that it is just a pre cancer inflammation… the signs are still requiring a full investigation into the extent of the invisible spread, that will not show up on scans, due to its fatty avascular nature.
So he has come to accept the results, as there was too much going on in the past year, that he also recognized. The non-healing sores which he did notice. The discomfort which I carried and gave away with subtle hints at the dinner table, and at night. The smell of my body… which I haven’t been able to scrub off lately because I knew it was coming from inside. And of course, the crashing.
Either way, my purpose, our purpose is fully resolved now. We have talked about how to continue the business in either of our absence, if either of us get sick, contingencies and potential wills and division of assets. Not that I have any, this business is the only thing I own, but we know now that we have to make a hierarchy of who to pass ownership onto, in the event of either of us going first. And that is a matter of priority, happening this week.
Not many people think about mortality, but it is good to talk about it, as it brought me much peace of mind. That whatever deadline happens, my daughters will be supported.